He plays Sir Joseph, First Lord of the Admiralty, and offers the following summary of his academic career, entering with a copy of Everything Is Illuminated in hand:
When I was a lad, in my high school years
I worked on twelve extracurriculars
I ran debate team and I marched in band,
And I did a service project in Turkmenistan.
CHORUS: He did a service project in Turkmenistan!
I reflected on that project so thoughtfullee
That now I am the Ruler of the Queen’s Navee!
CHORUS: He reflected on that project so thoughtfullee
That now he is the Ruler of the Queen’s Navee!
In service projects I acquired such fame
That my college counselor would toast my name.
I saw all the East Coast on my college tour,
And my parents hired the finest SAT tutor –
CHORUS: And his parents hired the finest SAT tutor!
I studied so carefully for the SAT,
That now I am the Ruler of the Queen’s Navee!
CHORUS: He studied so carefully for the SAT
That now he is the ruler of the Queen’s Navee!
On the SATs I obtained such a score
That I took them once, and then no more;
I studied each night, as the clock unspooled,
For AP examination at my private school.
CHORUS: For AP examinations at his private school!
AP examinations did so well for me,
That now I am the Ruler of the Queen’s Navee!
CHORUS: AP examinations did so well for he,
That now he is the Ruler of the Queen’s Navee!
On Harvard College I acquired such a grip
That Google gave me an internship.
And the summer internship, I ween,
Was the only ship that I ever had seen.
CHORUS: Was the only ship he ever had seen!
But that kind of ship so suited me,
That now I am the ruler of the Queen’s Navee!
CHORUS: But that kind of ship so suited he,
That now he is the ruler of the Queen’s Navee!
I grew so rich working in tech
That a loyal fan club I would soon collect.
I gave several speeches on a slew of themes,
And a TED Talk urging viewers to follow their dreams.
CHORUS: A TED Talk urging viewers to follow their dreams!
A talk so inspiring, they rewarded me
By making me the Ruler of the Queen’s Navee!
CHORUS: A talk so inspiring, they rewarded he
By making him the Ruler of the Queen’s Navee!
Now, landsmen all, whoever you may be,
If you want to rise to the top of the tree,
If your soul isn’t fettered to a classroom stool,
Be careful to be guided by this golden rule –
CHORUS: Be careful to be guided by this golden rule –
Stick close to your desks and never go to sea,
And you all may be Rulers of the Queen’s Navee!
CHORUS: Stick close to your desks and never go to sea,
And you all may be rulers of the Queen’s Navee!
Notes From Punderground 