Sung to the tune of the Modern Major General Song from Pirates of Penzance.
I am the very Model of a Centrist U.S. Senator;
I know my state and pander to its often-voting pensioners;
I know the Senate in and out and quote its ways procedural
From chairmanships to franking to its style architectural.
I’m very well acquainted too with hordes of my constituents;
To underwrite farm subsidies I’ve utilized my influence;
And I can banter with the voters at a clambake now and then –
Which leads them to believe that I’m down-home and truly genuine.
(Which leads them to believe… etc.)
I came to government after a scintillating sports career
And I’ve become an even greater hometown hero every year;
In short, from foreign policy to taxing and expenditure,
I am the very model of a Centrist U.S. Senator!
(In short… etc.)
I go on Sunday talk shows and I criticize the president;
If deals aren’t made, it must be ‘cause he’s only nine-tenths backwards bent.
I think that neither party has a viewpoint that can work for me –
Mostly because there aren’t enough I’s in “ideology”.
I wish the Senate would revive its 1950’s glory days –
(That time they filibustered civil rights was really just a phase)
To split the difference ‘tween the parties’ platforms I have sworn an oath.
Is global warming Happening, or Hoax? … A little bit of both!
(Is global warming… etc.)
Then I can write a defense bill in Babylonic cuneiform;
I don’t know what it does but it’s to help the men in uniform;
In short, from foreign policy to taxing and expenditure,
I am the very model of a Centrist U.S. Senator!
(In short… etc.)
When I have learned why bitter rivals cannot simply get along,
And why they keep insisting it’s an actual case of right and wrong,
When I am more attentive at a hearing than an ungulate
And when I know precisely what is meant by “to triangulate”,
When I have learned which pundits are correct and which are just buffoons;
When I’ve become more principled than weather-vanes in a typhoon,
And when I get elected for some reason other than my truck –
You’ll say a better Centrist Senator had ne’er his party bucked!
(You’ll say a better… etc.)
For my views and my opinions, though I’m friendly and personable,
Have always hovered somewhere between silent and inaudible;
In short, from foreign policy to taxing and expenditure,
I am the very model of a Centrist U.S. Senator!
(In short… etc.)
Notes From Punderground 