THE SPACE-KADO
OR, THE PLANET OF TITIPU
ACT II
W.S. Gilbert
with music by Arthur Sullivan
and revisions by Eli Kahn
Los Angeles, 2015
Copyright Eli Kahn, 2015. For production rights please contact elikahn91@gmail.com
Scene– Ko-Ko’s garden. Yum-Yum discovered seated at her bridal toilet, surrounded by maidens, who are braiding her hair and painting her face and lips, as she judges of the effect in a mirror.
SOLO – PITTI-SING AND CHORUS OF GIRLS.
Chorus. Braid the emerald hair –
Weave the supple tress –
Deck the maiden fair
In her loveliness –
Paint the pretty face –
Dye the verdant lip –
Emphasize the grace
Of her ladyship!
Art and nature, thus allied,
Go to make a pretty bride.
Pitti. Sit with downcast eye –
Let it brim with spore –
Try if you can cry –
We’ll cry all the more.
When you’re summoned, start
Like a frightened roe –
Flutter, little hearts –
Color, come and go!
Modesty at marriage-tide
Well becomes a pretty bride!
Chorus. Braid the emerald hair, etc.
(Exeunt Peep-Bo, Pitti-Sing, and Chorus.)
Yum. Yes, I am indeed beautiful! Sometimes I sit here and wonder, in my artless way characteristic of a faraway planet which is not meant to evoke any particular Earth civilization or reflect colonialist attitudes towards people of color at all, why it is that I am so much more attractive than any other being in the whole universe. Can this be vanity? Specieism? No! Nature is lovely and rejoices in her loveliness. I am a child of Nature, and take after my mother.
SONG – YUM-YUM.
Twin suns, whose rays
Are all ablaze
With ever-living glory,
Do not deny
Their majesty –
They scorn to tell a story!
They don’t exclaim,
‘We blush for shame,
So kindly be indulgent.’
But, fierce and bold,
In fiery gold
They glory all effulgent!
I mean to rule the earth,
As they the sky –
We really know our worth,
Twin suns and I!
Observe their flames,
Those placid dames,
Three moons’ Celestial Highness;
There’s not a trace
Upon their face
Of diffidence or shyness:
They borrow light
That, through the night,
Planet-dwellers acclaim them!
And, truth to tell,
They light up well,
So I, for three, I mean one, don’t blame them!
Ah, pray make no mistake,
We are not shy;
We’re very wide awake,
Three moons and I!
(Enter Pitti-Sing and Peep-Bo.)
Yum. Yes, everything seems to smile upon me. I am to be married today to the being I love best, and I believe I am the happiest girl in all this faraway planet which is not meant to evoke any particular Earth civilization or reflect colonialist attitudes towards people of color at all!
Peep. The happiest girl indeed, for she is indeed to be envied who has attained happiness in all but perfection.
Yum. In ‘all but’ perfection?
Peep. Well, dear, it can’t be denied that the fact that your husband is to be atomized in one of your Earth months is, in its way, a drawback. It does seem to take the top off it, you know.
Pitti. I don’t know about that. It all depends!
Peep. At all events, he will find it a drawback!
Pitti. Not necessarily. Bless you, it all depends!
Yum. (in tears.) I think it very indelicate of you to refer to such a subject on such a day. If my married happiness is to – to –
Peep. Melt away?
Yum. Well, melt away – in a month, can’t you let me forget it? (Weeping.)
(Enter Nanki-Poo, followed by Go-To.)
Nank. Yum-Yum in tears – and on her wedding morn!
Yum. (sobbing.) They’ve been reminding me that in a month you’re to be atomized! (Bursts into tears.)
Pitti. Yes, we’ve been reminding her that you’re to be atomized. (Bursts into tears.)
Peep. It’s quite true, you know, you are to be atomized! (Bursts into tears.)
Nank. (aside.) Humph! How feeble flesh-and-blood bridegrooms would be depressed by this sort of thing! (Aloud?) A month? Well, what’s a month? Bah! These divisions of time are purely arbitrary. Who says twenty-four hours make a day?
Pitti. The rotation of the Earth where humans evolved. It’s a supremely foolish system for use on Titipu, since it takes thirty-three Earth hours for us to rotate. That is why Yum-Yum’s wedding morn is taking place at dusk.
Nank. Yes, yes – supremely foolish! But if all is arbitrary, why not call each second a minute – each minute an hour – each hour a day – and each day a year. At that rate we’ve about thirty years of married happiness before us!
Peep. And, at this rate, this interview has already lasted four hours and three-quarters! (Exit Peep-Bo.)
Yum. (still sobbing.) Yes. How time flies when one is thoroughly enjoying oneself!
Nank. That’s the way to look at it! Don’t let’s be downhearted! There’s a silver lining to every cloud.
Yum. Certainly. Let’s – let’s be perfectly happy! (Almost in tears.)
Go. By all means Let’s – let’s thoroughly enjoy ourselves.
Pitti. It’s – it’s absurd to cry! (Trying to force a laugh.)
Yum. Quite ridiculous! (Trying to laugh.)
(All break into a forced and melancholy laugh.)
MADRIGAL – YUM-YUM, PITTI-SING, NANKI-POO, GO-TO
Brightly dawns our wedding eve;
Joyous hour, we give thee greeting!
Whither, whither art thou fleeting?
Fickle moment, do not leave!
What though mortal joys be hollow?
Pleasures come, if sorrows follow:
Though the tocsin sound, ere long,
Ding dong! ding dong!
Yet until day’s shadows fall
Over one and over all –
Sing a merry madrigal –
Fal-la – fal-la! etc. (Ending in tears.)
Let us dry the ready tear,
Though the hours are surely creeping
Little need for woeful weeping,
Till the sad sunup is near.
All must sip the cup of sorrow –
I to-day and thou to-morrow;
This the close of every song –
Ding dong! ding dong!
What, though solemn shadows fall,
Sooner, later, over all?
Sing a merry madrigal –
Fal-la – fal-la! etc. (Ending in tears.)
(Exeunt Pitti-Sing and Go-To.)
(Nanki-Poo embraces Yum-Yum. Enter Ko-Ko. Nanki-Poo releases Yum-Yum.)
Ko. Go on – don’t mind me.
Nank. I’m afraid we’re distressing you.
Ko. Never mind, I must get used to it. Only please do it by degrees. Begin by putting your arm around her waist. (Nanki-Poo does so.) There’s let me get used to that first.
Yum. Oh, wouldn’t you like to retire? It must pain you to see us so affectionate together!
Ko. No, I must learn to bear it! Now oblige me by allowing her head to rest on your shoulder.
Nank. Like that? (He does so. Ko-Ko much affected.)
Ko. I am much obliged to you. Now – kiss her! (He does so. Ko-Ko writhes with anguish.) Thank you – it’s simple torture!
Yum. Come, come, bear up. After all, it’s only for one of your Earth months.
Ko. No. It’s no use deluding oneself with false hopes.
Nank and Yum. What do you mean?
Ko. (to Yum-Yum.) My child – my poor child! (Aside.) How shall I break it to her? (Aloud.) My little bride that was to have been –
Yum. (delighted.) Was to have been?
Ko. Yes, you can never be mine!
[Nank (in ecstasy.) What!
Yum. (in ecstasy.) I’m so glad!]
Ko. I’ve just ascertained that, by the Mikado’s algorithm, when a married man is atomized his wife is beamed into the vacuum of space.
Nank and Yum. Beamed into the vacuum of space!
Ko. Beamed into the vacuum of space. It’s a most unpleasant death.
Nank. But whom did you get that from?
Ko. Oh, from Pooh-Bah. He’s my Solicitor.
Yum. But he may be mistaken!
Ko. So I thought; so I consulted the Attorney-General, the Lord Chief Justice, the Ghost in the Shell, the Judge Ordinary, and the Lord Chancellor. They’re all of the same opinion. Never knew such unanimity on a point of law in my life!
Nank. But stop a bit! This law has never been put in force.
Ko. Not yet. You see, flirting is the only crime punishable with death, and married men never flirt.
Nank. Of course they don’t. No matter their species, for that matter. I quite forgot that! Well, I suppose I may take it that my dream of happiness is at an end!
Yum. Darling – I don’t want to appear selfish, and I love you with all of both my hearts – I don’t suppose I shall ever love anybody half as much – but when I agreed to marry you – my own – I had no idea – pet – that I should have to be beamed into the vacuum of space in a month!
Nank. Nor I! It’s the very first I’ve heard of it!
Yum. It – makes a difference, doesn’t it?
Nank. It does make a difference, of course.
Yum. You see – being beamed into the vacuum of space – it’s such a cold death!
Nank. I call it a beast of a death.
Yum. You see my difficulty, don’t you?
Nank. Yes, and I see my own. If I insist on your carrying out your promise, I doom you to a hideous death; if I release you, you marry Ko-Ko at once!
TRIO – YUM-YUM, NANKI-POO, AND KO-KO.
Yum. Here’s a how-de-do!
If I marry you,
When your time has come to perish,
Then the maiden whom you cherish,
Must be slaughtered, too!
Here’s a how-de-do!
Nank. Here’s a pretty mess!
One Earth month, or less,
I must die without a wedding!
Let the holo-tears I’m shedding
Witness my distress,
Here’s a pretty mess!
Ko. Here’s a state of things!
To her life she clings!
Matrimonial devotion
Doesn’t seem to suit her notion –
Space-beaming it brings!
Here’s a state of things!
Ensemble. With a passion that’s intense
[I/We] worship and adore,
But the laws of common sense
[We/You] oughtn’t to ignore.
If what [he says/I say] is true,
‘Tis death to marry you!
Here’s a pretty how-de-do!
[Exit Yum-Yum.]
Ko. (going up to Nanki-Poo.) My poor droid, I’m really very sorry for you.
Nank. Thanks, old fellow. I’m sure you are.
Ko. You see I’m quite helpless.
Nank. I quite see that.
Ko. I can’t conceive anything more distressing than to have one’s marriage broken off at the last moment. But you shan’t be disappointed of a wedding – you shall come to mine.
Nank. It’s awfully kind of you, but that’s impossible.
Ko. Why so?
Nank. To-day I die.
Ko. What do you mean?
Nank. I can’t live without Yum-Yum. This afternoon I shall seek out a human to trap me in a logical paradox, thereby causing me to short-circuit and explode.
Ko. No, no – pardon me – I can’t allow that.
Nank. Why not?
Ko. Why, hang it all, you’re under contract to die in the booth of the Public Executioner in one of your Earth months! If you kill yourself, what’s to become of me? Why, I shall have to be executed in your place!
Nank. It would certainly seem so!
[Enter Pooh-Bah.]
Ko. Now then, Lord Mayor, what is it?
Pooh. The Mikado and his suite are approaching the planet, and will be here in ten of your Earth minutes.
Ko. The Mikado! He’s coming to see whether his orders have been carried out! (To Nanki-Pooh.) Now look here, you knw – this is getting serious – a bargain’s a bargain, and you really mustn’t frustrate the ends of justice by committing suicide. As a device of honour and a gentlebot, you are bound to die ignominiously by the hand of the Public Executioner.
Nank. Very well, then – atomize me.
Ko. What, now?
Nank. Certainly; at once.
Pooh. Fetch the chamber! Fetch the chamber!
Ko. My good sir, I don’t go about prepared to execute gentlebeings at a moment’s notice. Why, I never even killed a Loxadornian nuisance-flea!
Pooh. Still, as Lord High Executioner –
Ko. My good sir, as Lord High Executioner, I’ve got to atomize him in a month. I’m not ready yet. I don’t know how it’s done. I’m going to take lessons. I mean to begin with a test species from a recently discovered planet which displays worrying but inconclusive signs of intelligence, and work my way through the register of sentient beings to a Second Trombone. Why, you don’t suppose that, as a humane man, I’d have accepted the post of Lord High Executioner f I hadn’t thought the duties were purely nominal? I can’t kill you – I can’t kill anything! I can’t kill anybody! (Weeps.)
Nank. Come, my poor fellow, we all have unpleasant duties to discharge at times; after all, what is it? If I don’t mind, why should you? Remember, sooner or later it must be done.
Ko. (springing up suddenly.) Must it? I’m not so sure about that!
Nank. What do you mean?
Ko. Why should I kill you when making an affidavit that you’ve been executed will do just as well? Here are plenty of witnesses – the Lord Chief Justice, Lord High Admiral, Commander-in-Chief, Secretary of State for the Inner Planets, First Lord of the Treasury, and Chief Commissioner of Police.
Nank. But where are they?
Ko. There they are. They’ll all swear to it – won’t you? (To Pooh-Bah.)
Pooh. Am I to understand that all of us high Officers of State are required to perjure ourselves to ensure your safety?
Ko. Why not? You’ll be grossly insulted, as usual.
Pooh. Will the insult be cash down, or at a date?
Ko. It will be a ready-money transaction.
Pooh. (Aside.) Well, it will be a useful discipline. (Aloud.) Very good. Choose your fiction, and I’l endorse it. (Aside.) Ha! ha! Family Pride, how do you like that, eh?
Nank. But I tell you that life without Yum-Yum –
Ko. Oh, Yum-Yum, Yum-Yum! Bother Yum-Yum! Here, Commissionaire (to Pooh-Bah), go and fetch Yum-Yum. (Exit Pooh-Bah.) Take Yum-Yum and marry yum-Yum, only go away and never come back again. (Enter Pooh-Bah with Yum-Yum.) Here she is. Yum-Yum, are you particularly busy?
Yum. Not particularly?
Ko. You’ve five minutes to spare?
Yum. Yes.
Ko. Then go along with his Grace the Archbishop of Titipu; he’ll marry you at once.
Yum. But if I’m to be beamed into the void of space?
Ko. Now, don’t ask any questions, but do as I tell you, and and Nanki-Poo will explain all.
Nank. But one moment –
Ko. Not for galaxies. Here comes the Mikado, no doubt to ascertain whether I’ve obeyed his decree, and if he finds you alive I shall have the greatest difficulty in persuading him that I’ve atomized you. (Exeunt Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum, followed by Pooh-Bah.) Close thing that, for here he comes! (Exit Ko-Ko.)
March – enter procession, heralding Mikado and Katisha.
ENTRANCE OF MIKADO AND KATISHA
(‘MARCH OF THE MIKADO’S TROOPS’)
Chorus. OH-OH-OH-ONE OH-OH-OH-ONE ONE-OH-ONE-OH-OH-ONE-ONE
OH-ONE-ONE-ONE ONE-OH-OH-ONE-O-OH-O-OH-ONE
OH-OH-OH-ONE-O-OH-ONE-ONE
DUET – MIKADO AND KATISHA.
Mik. From every living thing obedience I expect
I’m the steel-and-clockwork king
Kat. And I’m his daughter-in-law insect!
He’ll marry his son,
He’s only got one,
To his daughter-in-law insect!
Mik. My programming’s been declared particularly correct,
Kat. But it’s nothing at all compared with that of his daughter-in-law insect!
Bow, bow, to his daughter-in-law insect,
All. Bow, bow, to his daughter-in-law insect.
Mik. In a fatherly kind of way I govern each planet and sect.
All cheerfully own my sway –
Kat. Except for his daughter-in-law insect!
As tough as a bone,
With an exoskeleton,
Is his daughter-in-law insect!
Mik. My nature is love and light, my freedom from all defect,
Kat. Is insignificant quite compared to his daughter-in-law insect.
Bow, bow, to his daughter-in-law insect,
All. Bow, bow, to his daughter-in-law insect.
SONG – MIKADO AND CHORUS.
Mik. A more humane Mikado never
Did in the world exist,
To nobody second,
I’m certainly reckoned
A true philanthropist.
It is my very humane endeavour
To make, to some extent,
Each evil liver
A running river
Of harmless merriment.
My object all sublime
I shall achieve in time –
To let the punishment fit the crime –
The punishment fit the crime;
And make each prisoner pent
Unwillingly represent
A source of innocent merriment!
Of innocent merriment!
All prosy dull society sinners,
Who chatter and bleat and bore,
And sent to hear stories
On Alpha Centauri
Till the galaxy spins no more.
The amateur tenor, whose vocal qualities
All desire to shirk,
Shall, during off-hours,
Exhibit his powers
To Stanislaw Lem’s clockwork.
The nobles who harvest living beings
To prolong their course of years,
Through reincarnation
Are lowered in station
To sanitary engineers.
The idiot who, on sub-light voyages,
Scribbles on viewscreen panes,
Can only take round trips
On Altairian cloaked ships
That never appear again.
My object all sublime, etc.
Chorus. His object all sublime, etc.
Mik. The advertising quack who promises
To sell you a second skin,
His teeth, if he has ‘em,
We’ll take out in spasms,
And if not, we’ll put some in.
The opera singer, no Plavalaguna,
Who butchers di Lammermoor,
Is banished to planets
Where beings of granite
Make music by bashing the floor.
The prophet pernicious who swears we would prosper
By blending machine and man –
He’s sent, without plea,
To work in I.T.,
At a newspaper-printing stand.
And there he deals with private owners
And their children and heirs inept,
Who don’t understand
And won’t make any plans,
But the Vows section must be kept!
My object all sublime, etc.
Chorus. His object all sublime, etc.
(Enter Pooh-Bah, Ko-Ko, and Pitti-Sing. All kneel. Pooh-Bah hands a tablet to Ko-Ko.)
Ko. I am honored in being permitted to welcome your Majesty. I guess the object of your Majesty’s visit – your wishes have been attended to. The execution has taken place.
Mik. Oh, you’ve had an execution, have you?
Ko. Yes. The Coroner has just handed me his certificate.
Pooh. I am the Coroner. (Ko-Ko hands certificate to Mikado.)
Mik. And this is the certificate of his death. (Reads.) ‘On Titipu, in the presence of the Lord Chancellor, Lord Chief Justice, Attorney-General, Secretary of State for the Home Department, Lord Mayor, and Third Henchman–‘
Pooh. They were all present, your Majesty. I counted them myself.
Mik. Very good house. I wish I’d been there in time for the performance.
Ko. A tough fellow he was, too – a being of gigantic strength. His struggles were terrific. It was really a remarkable scene.
Mik. Describe it.
TRIO AND CHORUS – KO-KO, PITTI-SING, POOH-BAH AND CHORUS
Ko. The criminal cried as he entered the booth,
In a state of wild alarm –
With a frightful, frantic frown, forsooth,
I bared my big right arm.
I locked him into the deadly device,
And on his knees fell he,
As he squirmed and struggled,
And gurgled and guggled,
I turned the dial to three.
Oh, never shall I
Forget the cry,
Or the shriek that shriekéd he,
As I gnashed my teeth
And from beneath
I turned the dial to three.
Chorus. We know him well,
He cannot tell
Untrue or groundless tales –
He always tries
To utter lies,
And every time he fails.
Pitti. He shivered and shook as he gave the sign
For the ray he didn’t deserve;
When all of a sudden his eye met mine,
And it seemed to brace his nerve;
For he nodded his head and kissed his hand,
And he whistled an air, did he,
As the death-ray true
Put an end to
His body integrity!
When a man’s afraid,
An alien maid
Is a cheering sight to see;
And it’s oh, I’m glad
That moment sad
Was soothed by sight of me!
Chorus. Her terrible tale
You can’t assail,
With truth it quite agrees:
Her taste exact
For faultless fact
Amounts to a disease.
Pooh. Now though you’d have guessed no rest was left
(For to atoms dissolved was he),
A form coalesced, though of body bereft,
And bowed three times to me!
It was none of your impudent off-hand nods,
But as humble as could be;
For it clearly knew
The deference due
To a being of pedigree!
And it’s oh, I vow
This spectral bow
Was a touching sight to see;
Though shapeless, yet
It couldn’t forget
The deference due to me!
Chorus. This haughty youth,
He speaks the truth
Whenever he finds it pays:
And in this case
It all took place
Exactly as he says!
(Exeunt Chorus.)
Mik. All this is very interesting, and I should like to have seen it. But we came about a totally different matter. One of your Earth years ago my clone, the heir to the throne of our faraway galaxy which is not meant to evoke any particular Earth civilization or reflect colonialist attitudes towards people of color at all, bolted from our Imperial Court.
Ko. Indeed! Had he any reason to be dissatisifed with his position?
Kat. None whatever. On the contrary, I was going to marry him – yet he fled!
Pooh. I am surprised that he should have fled from one so lovely.
Kat. That’s not true.
Pooh. No!
Kat. You hold that I am not beautiful because I am a giant bug. But you know nothing; you are still unenlightened. Learn, then, that standards of beauty are relative from species to species and culture to culture. My face, to you, is unattractive!
Pooh. It is.
Kat. But I have a thorax-abdomen juncture that is a miracle of loveliness. Insectoids come light-years to see it. My second right elbow has a fascination that few can resist.
Pooh. Allow me.
Kat. It is on view on scheduled occasions, and only to subscribers. And my mailing list is the largest in the galaxy.
Ko. And yet he fled!
Mik. And is now masquerading in this town, disguised as a Second Trombone.
Ko, Pooh, Pitti. A Second Trombone!
Mik. Yes; would it be troubling you too much if I asked you to produce him? He goes by the name of –
Kat. Nanki-Poo.
Mik. Nanki-Poo.
Ko. it’s quite easy. That is, it’s rather difficult. In point of fact, he’s left the planet!
Mik. Left the planet! His address.
Ko. The New Horizons probe!
Kat. (who is reading certificate of death, produces a chatter of insectoid alarm.)
Mik. What’s the matter?
Kat. See here – his name – Nanki-Poo – atomized this morning. Oh, where shall I find another? Where shall I find another?
(Ko-Ko, Pooh-Bah and Pitti-Sing fall on their knees, or equivalent.)
Mik. (looking at paper.) Dear, dear, dear! this is very tiresome. (To Ko-Ko.) My poor fellow, in your anxiety to carry out my wishes you have atomized the heir to the throne of our faraway galaxy which is not meant to evoke any particular Earth civilization or reflect colonialist attitudes towards people of color at all!
Ko. I beg to offer an unqualified apology.
Pooh. I desire to associate myself with that expression of regret.
Pitti. We really hadn’t the least notion –
Mik. Of course you hadn’t. How could you? Come, come, my good fellow, don’t distress yourself – it was no fault of yours. If a machine intelligence of exalted rank chooses to disguise himself as a Second Trombone, he must take the consequences. It really distresses me to see you take on so. I’ve no doubt he thoroughly deserved all he got. (They rise.)
Ko. We are infinitely obliged, Your Majesty –
Pitti. Much obliged, Your Majesty.
Pooh. Very much obliged, Your Majesty.
Mik. Obliged? Don’t mention it. How could you tell?
Pooh. No, of course we couldn’t tell who the gentlebot really was.
Pitti. It wasn’t written on his forehead, you know.
Ko. It might have been written on his hard drive, but it would have been rude to extract his hard drive! Ha! ha! ha!
Mik. Ha! ha! ha! (To Katisha.) I forget the punishment for compassing the death of the Heir Apparent.
Ko, Pooh, Pitti. Punishment. (They drop down on their knees or equivalent again.)
Mik. Yes, something lingering, with a sandworm involved, I fancy. Something of that sort. I think a sandworm occurs in it, but I’m not sure. I know it’s something humorous, but lingering, with either a sandworm or a xenomorph. Come, come, don’t fret – I’m not a bit angry.
Ko. (in abject terror.) If Your Majesty will accept our assurance, we had no idea –
Mik. Of course –
Pitti. I knew nothing about it.
Pooh. I wasn’t there.
Mik. That’s the pathetic part of it. Unfortunately, the fool of a Directive says ‘compassing the death of the Heir Apparent’. There’s not a word about a mistake –
Ko, Pitti, Pooh. No!
Mik. Or not knowing –
Ko. No!
Mik. Or having no notion –
Pitti. No!
Mik. Or not being there –
Pooh. No!
Mik. There should be, of course –
Ko, Pitti. Pooh. Yes!
Mik. But there isn’t.
Ko, Pitti, Pooh. Oh!
Mik. That’s the thing about programming. However, cheer up, it’ll be all right. I’ll have the code debugged next session. Now, let’s see about your execution – will after luncheon suit you? Can you wait till then?
Ko, Pitti, Pooh. Oh, yes – we can wait till then!
Mik. Then we’ll make it after luncheon.
Pooh. I don’t want any lunch.
Mik. I’m really very sorry for you all, but it’s an unjust world, and virtue is triumphant only in theatrical performances.
GLEE – PITTI-SING, KATISHA, KO-KO, POOH-BAH, AND MIKADO.
Mik. See how the Fates their gifts allot,
For A is happy – B is not.
Yet B is worthy, I dare say,
Of more prosperity than A!
Ko, Pooh, Pitti. Is B more worthy?
Kat. I should say
He’s worth a great deal more than A.
Ensemble. Yet A is happy!
Oh, so happy!
Laughing, Ha! ha!
Chaffing, Ha! ha!
Nectar quaffing, Ha! ha! ha!
Ever joyous, ever gay,
Happy, undeserving A!
Ko, Pooh, Pitti. If I were Fortune – which I’m not –
B should enjoy A’s happy lot,
And A should die in miserie –
That is, assuming I am B.
Mik, Kat. But should A perish?
Ko, Pooh, Pitti. That should he
(Of course, assuming I am B).
B should be happy!
Oh, so happy!
Laughing, Ha! ha!
Chaffing, Ha! ha!
Nectar quaffing, Ha! ha! ha!
But condemned to die is he,
Wretched meritorious B!
(Exeunt Mikado and Katisha.)
Ko. Well, a nice mess you’ve gotten us into, with your bowing ectoplasm and the deference due to a being of pedigree!
Pooh. Merely corroborative detail, intended to give artistic verisimilitude to an otherwise bald and unconvincing narrative.
Pitti. Corroborative detail indeed! Corroborative fiddlestick!
Ko. And you’re just as bad as he is with your Betelgeusian-cock-and-Siriusite-bull stories about catching his eye and whistling an air. But that’s so like you! You must stick in your proboscis!
Pooh. But how about your big right arm?
Pitti. Yes, and the dial turned to three!
Ko. Well, well, never mind that now. There’s only one thing to be done. Nanki-Poo hasn’t started yet – he must come to life again at once. (Enter Yum-Yum and Nanki-Poo prepared for journey.) Here he comes. Here, nanki-Poo, I’ve good news for you – you’re reprieved.
Nank. Oh, but it’s too late. I’m scrap metal, and I’m off for my honeymoon.
Ko. Nonsense! A terrible thing has happened. It seems you’re the clone of the Mikado.
Nank. Yes, but that happened some time ago.
Ko. Is this a time for airy persiflage? Your father – father? – father – is here, and with Katisha!
Nank. My father! And with Katisha!
Ko. Yes, he wants you particularly.
Pooh. So does she.
Yum. Oh, but he’s married now.
Ko. But, bless my heart! what has that to do with it?
Nank. Katisha claims me in marriage, but I can’t marry her because I’m married already – consequently she will insist on my execution, and if I’m excuted, my wife will have to be beamed into the vacuum of space.
Yum. You see our difficulty.
Ko. Yes. I don’t know what’s to be done.
Nank. There’s one chance for you. If you could persuade Katisha to marry you, she would have no further claim on me, and in that case I could come to life without any fear of being put to death.
Ko. I marry Katisha!
Yum. I really think it’s the only course.
Ko. But, my good girl, have you seen her? She’s something appalling!
Pitti. Ah! that’s only her face. She has a second right elbow which people come light-years to see!
Pooh. I am told that her ovipositor is much admired by connoisseurs.
Ko. My good sir, I decline to pin my heart upon any lady’s ovipositor.
Nank. It comes to this: While Katisha is single, I prefer to be a disembodied spirit. When Katisha is married, existence will be as welcome as the fungi in spring.
DUET – NANKI-POO AND KO-KO, WITH YUM-YUM, PITTI-SING, AND POOH-BAH
Nank. The fungi that bloom in the spring,
Tra-la,
Breathe promise of merry sunshine –
As we merrily dance and we sing,
Tra la,
We welcome the hope that they bring,
Tra la,
Of a planetwide sentient mind.
And that’s what we mean when we say that a thing
Is welcome as fungi that bloom in the spring.
Tra la la la la, etc.
All. Tra la la la la, etc.
Ko. The fungi that bloom in the spring,
Tra la,
Have nothing to do with the case.
I’ve got to take under my wing,
Tra la,
A most unattractive bug thing,
Tra la,
With a caricature of a face,
And that’s what I mean when I say, or I sing,
‘This world has no fungi that bloom in the spring.’
Tra la la la la, etc.
All. Tra la la la la, etc.
(Dance and exeunt. Enter Katisha.)
RECITATIVE AND SONG – KATISHA.
Alone, and yet alive! Oh, sepulchre!
My soul is still my body’s prisoner!
Remote the peace that Death alone can give –
My doom, to wait! my punishment, to live!
SONG.
Hearts do not break!
They sting and ache
For old love’s sake,
But do not die,
Though with each breath
They long for death
As witnesseth
This compound eye!
Oh, living I!
Come, tell me why,
When hope is gone,
Dost thou stay on?
Why linger here,
Where all is drear?
Oh, living I!
Come, tell me why,
When hope is gone,
Dost thou stay on?
May not a cheated insect die?
Ko (entering and approaching her timidly.) Katisha!
Kat. The miscreant who robbed me of my love! But vengeance pursues – they are readying the xenomorph!
Ko. Katisha – behold a suppliant at your feet! Katisha – mercy!
Kat. Mercy? Had you mercy on him? See here, you! You have slain my love. He did not love me, but he would have loved me in time. I am an acquired taste – only the educated palate can appreciate me. I was educating his palate when he left me. Well, he is dead, and where shall I find another? Most of my species was eradicated by a twelve-year-old child with a fleet of remote-controlled ships, and it takes years to train another to love me. Am I to go through the weary round again, and, at the same time, implore mercy for you who robbed me of my prey – I mean my pupil– just as his education was on the point of completion? Oh, where shall I find another?
Ko. (suddenly, and with great vehemence.) Here! – Here!
Kat. What!!!
Ko. (with intense passion.) Katisha, for years I have loved you with a white-hot passion that is slowly but surely consuming my very vitals! Ah, shrink not from me! If there is aught of brood-queen’s mercy in your heart, turn not away from a love-sick suppliant whose every fibre thrills at your tiniest touch! True it is that, under a poor mask of disgust, I have endeavoured to conceal a passion whose inner fires are broiling the soul within me! But the fire will not be smothered – it defies all attempts at extinction, and, breaking forth, all the more eagerly for its long restraint, it declares itself in words that will not be weighed – that cannot be schooled – that should not be too severely criticized. Katisha, I dare not hope for your love – but I will not live with yourout it! Darling!
Kat. You, whose hands still reek of the blood – well, oil – of my betrothed, dare to address words of passion to the brood-queen you have so foully wronged!
Ko. I do – accept my love, or I perish on the spot!
Kat. Go to! Who knows so well as I that no one ever yet died of a broken heart!
Ko. You know not what you say. Listen!
SONG – KO-KO.
Out in space by a black hole a little dwarf star
Sang ‘Willow, titwillow, titwillow!’
And I said to him, ‘Cepheid, why is’t you are
Singing ‘Willow, titwillow, titwillow’?
‘Is it weakness of intellect, dwarfie?’ I cried.
‘Or an asteroid burning up in your inside?’
With a flare of his poor corona, he replied,
‘Oh willow, titwillow, titwillow!’
His flares became weak, and his albedo dulled,
Singing, “Willow, titwillow, titwillow!”
And matter from him towards the black hole was pulled,
Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!
He sobbed and he sighed, and his orbit decayed,
Then he crossed the event horizon and unmade,
And an echo arose from the suicide’s grave –
‘Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!’
Now, I feel just as sure as I’m sure that my name
Isn’t Willow, titwillow, titwillow,
That ‘twas blighted affection that made him exclaim,
‘Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!’
And if you remain callous and obdurate, I
Shall perish as he did, and you will know why,
Though I probably shall not exclaim as I die,
‘Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!’
(During this song Katisha has been greatly affected, and at the end is almost in tears.)
Kat. (whimpering.) Did he really die of love?
Ko. He really did.
Kat. All on account of a cruel little binary star?
Ko. Yes.
Kat. And his cry even returned from beyond the event horizon of a black hole, from which nothing can escape!
Ko. It’s an affecting tale, and quite true. I knew the star intimately.
Kat. Did you? He must have been very fond of her. …Was it a her?
Ko. Yes: remember, these were binary stars. His devotion was something extraordinary.
Kat. (still whimpering.) Poor little chap! And – and if I refuse you, will you go and do the same?
Ko. At once.
Kat. No, no – you mustn’t! Anything but that! (Falls on his breast.) Oh, I’m a silly little beetle!
Ko. (making a wry face.) You are!
Kat. (aside.) I wonder whether he knows what females of my species instinctively do to males after mating? (Aloud.) And you won’t hate me because I’m just a little teeny weeny wee bit bloodthirsty, will you?
Ko. Hate you? Oh, Katisha! is there not beauty even in bloodthirstiness?
Kat. My idea exactly.
DUET – KATISHA AND KO-KO.
Kat. There is beauty in the bellow of the blast,
There is grandeur in the growling of the gale,
There is eloquent outpouring
When the rancor is a-roaring,
And the sandworm is a-lashing of its tail!
Ko. Yes, I like to see a sandworm
Whether juvenile or long-term,
And especially when lashing of its tail!
Kat. Volcanoes have a splendour that is grim,
And earthquakes only terrify the dolts,
But to him who’s scientific
There is nothing that’s terrific
In the falling of a flight of thunderbolts!
Ko. Yes, in spite of all my meekness,
If I have a little weakness,
It’s a passion for a flight of thunderbolts!
Both. If that is so,
Sing derry down derry!
It’s evident, very,
Our tastes are one.
Away we’ll go,
And merrily marry
Nor tardily tarry
Till day is done!
Ko. There is beauty in an insectoid physique –
Do you fancy you are sectional enough?
Information I’m requesting
On a subject interesting:
Is the chitin all the better when it’s tough?
Kat. Throughout this wide dominion
It’s the general opinion
It’ll last a good deal longer when it’s tough.
Ko. Are you ready yet to marry, do you think?
Can you yield a million offspring while alive?
There’s a fascination frantic
In a colony gigantic;
Do you think that you are ready for a hive?
Kat. To the matter that you mention
I have given some attention,
And I think that I am ready for a hive.
Both. If that is so,
Sing derry down derry!
It’s evident, very,
Our tastes are one!
Away we’ll go,
And merrily marry,
Nor tardily tarry
Till day is done!
(Exeunt together. Flourish. Enter the Mikado, attended by Pish-Tush and Court.)
Mik. Now then, we’ve had a capital lunch, and we’re quite ready. Have all the painful preparations been made?
Pish. Your Majesty, all is prepared.
Mik. Then produce the unfortunate gentleman and his two well-meaning but misguided accomplices.
(Enter Ko-Ko, Katisha, Pooh-Bah, and Pitti-Sing. They throw themselves at the Mikado’s feet.)
Kat. Mercy! Mercy for Ko-Ko! Mercy for Pitti-Sing! Mercy even for Pooh-Bah!
Mik. I beg your pardon, I don’t think I quite caught that remark.
Pooh. Mercy even for Pooh-Bah.
Kat. Mercy! My husband that was to have been is dead, and I have just married this miserable object.
Mik. Oh! You’ve not been long about it!
Ko. We were married before the Registrar.
Pooh. I am the Registrar.
Mik. I see. But my difficulty is that, as you have slain the Heir Apparent –
(Enter Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum. They kneel.)
Nank. The Heir Apparent is not slain.
Mik. Bless my mainframe, my clone!
Yum. And your daughter-in-law elected!
Kat. (seizing Ko-Ko.) Traitor, you have deceived me!
Mik. Yes, you are entitled to an explanation, but I think he will give it better whole than in pieces.
Ko. Your Majesty, it’s like this: It is true that I stated that I had killed Nanki-Poo –
Mik. Yes, with most affecting particulars.
Pooh. Merely corroborative detail intended to give artistic verisimilitude to a bald and –
Ko. Will you refrain from sticking in your proboscis? (To Mikado.) It’s like this: When Your Majesty says, ‘Let a thing be done’, it’s as good as done – practically, it is done – because your Majesty’s will is law. Your Majesty says, ‘Kill a gentlebeing’, and a gentlebeing is told off to be killed. Consequently, that gentlebeing is as good as dead – practically, he is dead – and if he is dead, why not say so?
Mik. I see. Nothing could possibly be more satisfactory!
FINALE.
Pitti. For he’s gone and married Yum-Yum –
All. Yum-Yum!
Pitti. Your anger pray bury,
For all will be merry,
I think you had better succumb –
All. Cumb – cumb.
Pitti. And join our expressions of glee!
Ko. On this subject we pray you be dumb –
All. Dumb – dumb!
Ko. Your notions, though many,
Are not worth a penny,
The word for your guidance is ‘Mum’ –
All. Mum – mum!
Ko. You’ve a very good bargain in me.
All. On this subject we pray you be dumb –
Dumb – Dumb!
We think you had better succumb –
Cumb –cumb!
You’ll find there are many
Who’ll wed for a penny,
There are lots of good bugs in the sea.
Yum and Nank. The solar flare has passed away,
And brightly shines the dawning day;
What though the night may come too soon,
We’ve years and years of afternoon!
All. Then let the throng
Our joy advance,
With laughing song
And merry dance,
With joyous shout and ringing cheer,
Inaugurate their/our new career!
Then let the throng, etc.
(Katisha devours Ko-Ko.)
CURTAIN
Notes From Punderground 