THE SPACE-KADO
OR, THE PLANET OF TITIPU
ACT I
W. S. Gilbert
with music by Arthur Sullivan
and revisions by Eli Kahn
Los Angeles, 2015
Copyright Eli Kahn, 2015. For production rights please contact elikahn91@gmail.com
PREFATORY NOTE
The Mikado is pretty racist. However, Gilbert and Sullivan’s work remains beloved by many and produced with some regularity, leaving the modern director with the quandary of how to stage the work as a comment on its more dated aspects, or at least how to do it without leaving the innocent to feel appallingly mocked. This is one possibility. A few years ago at Harvard, I had the honor of stage directing for the Harvard-Radcliffe Gilbert and Sullivan Players a production of Princess Ida, a G&S work which, while more obscure, is similarly wince-inducing to today’s audiences (one hopes, at least). In an effort to make my production a comment on rather than an endorsement of the misogyny of the original, I set the production on a faraway planet such as one might see in a 1940’s Buck Rogers comic, hoping that the juxtaposition of two genres not known for their respectful treatment of women might provoke thought about the similarities between the two eras. I did not change any lines from Ida. With The Mikado, I have neither (depending on how one sees it) that luxury nor that restraint, and so I present a version of the classic operetta set in a science-fictional universe; the bulk of the original text remains, however, enough to keep the final product recognizably The Mikado. I don’t believe this version is the only or even the best answer to the problem of the original Mikado’s racism, but it is one possible answer, and hopefully it is good fun. I have generally followed the formatting written down in Ian Bradley’s Complete Annotated Gilbert and Sullivan (Oxford University Press, 1996). The reader who wishes to follow along with the original text can find it either there or in Boise State University’s online archive.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
The Mikado Of Space
Nanki-Poo (his Clone, disguised as a wandering minstrel, and in love with Yum-Yum)
Ko-Ko (Lord High Executioner of Titipu)
Pooh-Bah (Lord High Everything Else)
Pish-Tush (a Noble Lord)
Go-To (a Noble Lord)
Yum-Yum, Pitti-Sing, Peep-Bo (Three Sisters – Wards of Ko-Ko)
Katisha (an insectoid Lady, in love with Nanki-Poo)
CHORUS of School-Beings, Nobles, Guards, and Robots.
Scene. – Courtyard of Ko-Ko’s palace on Titipu. Nobles of various humanoid species discovered standing and sitting.
Chorus of Nobles. If you want to know who we are –
We are gentlemen of a faraway planet which is not meant to evoke any particular Earth civilization or reflect colonialist attitudes towards people of color at all –
In many a film subpar,
On many a bedroom wall,
We figure in lively paint
Our attitude’s queer and quaint –
You’re wrong if you think it ain’t, oh!
If you think we are worked by strings,
Like a marionette from a faraway planet which is not meant to evoke any particular Earth civilization or reflect colonialist attitudes towards people of color at all,
You don’t understand these things;
This world’s gravity is rather small.
Perhaps you suppose this throng
Can’t keep it up all day long;
If that’s your idea you’re wrong, oh! (Etc.)
(Enter Nanki-Poo in great excitement. He carries an improbable and futuristic instrument (keytar?) on his back.)
RECITATIVE – NANKI-POO.
Gentlemen, I pray you tell me,
Where a gentle maiden dwelleth,
Named Yum-Yum, the ward of Ko-Ko?
In pity speak – oh, speak, I pray you!
A noble. Why, who are you who ask this question?
Nank. Come gather round me, and I’ll tell you.
SONG AND CHORUS – NANKI-POO.
A robot minstrel I –
A thing of gears and sprockets,
Of ballads, songs and rackets,
And dreamy lullaby!
My mem’ry bank is long,
Through every passion ranging,
And to your humours changing
I tune my supple song!
Are you in sentimental mood?
I’ll sigh with you,
Oh, sorrow,
On maiden’s coldness do you brood?
I’ll do so, too –
Oh, sorrow, sorrow!
I’ll charm your willing ears
With songs of lovers’ fears,
While holographic tears
My cheeks bedew –
Oh, sorrow, sorrow!
But if patriotic sentiment is wanted,
I’ve patriotic ballads cut and dried;
For where’er our planet’s banner may be planted,
All other local banners are defied!
Our starfighters, in serried ranks assembled,
Never quail – or they conceal if it they do –
The whole galaxy, I dare say, likely trembles
Before the mighty troops of Titipu!
Chorus. We shouldn’t be surprised to see the planets tremble with alarm
Before the mighty troops, the troops of Titipu!
Nank. And if you call for a spacefaring song,
We’ll heave the thrusters round,
With a yeo heave ho, for the fuel is strong,
All systems are go and the voyage is long,
Hurrah for the homeward bound!
Chorus. Yeo-ho – heave-ho –
Hurrah for the homeward bound!
Nank. To steer a course through a solar wind
May tickle an Earthman’s taste,
But the happiest hour a star-sailor sees
In when he’s down
At a moon base town
With his nestmate on his knees, yeo-ho!
And his arm around her waist!
Chorus. Then man the thrusters – off we go,
As the fiddler swings us round,
With a yeo heave ho,
And a rumbelow,
Hurrah for the homeward bound!
Nank. A robot minstrel I, etc.
(Enter Pish-Tush.)
Pish. And what may be your business with Yum-Yum?
Nank. I’ll tell you. A year ago I was a member of the Titipu cantina band. It was my duty to take the cap round for contributions. While discharging this delicate office, I saw Yum-Yum, having first ingested some of her spores. We loved ech other at once, but she was betrothed to her guardian Ko-Ko, a cheap tailor, and I saw that my suit was hopeless. Overwhelmed with despair, I quitted the planet. Judge of my delight when I heard, a month ago, that Ko-Ko had been condemned to death for flirting! I hurried back at once, in the hope of finding Yum-Yum at liberty to listen to my protestations.
Pish. It is true that Ko-Ko was condemned to death for flirting, but he was reprieved at the last moment, and raised to the exalted rank of Lord High Executioner under the following remarkabe circumstances:
SONG – PISH-TUSH AND CHORUS.
Pish. Our space Mikado, virtuous droid
When he was first as such employed
Resolved to try
A plan whereby
Young men might be organized.
So he decreed, in code succinct,
That all who flirted, leered or winked
(Unless connubially linked)
Should forthwith be atomized.
And I expect you’ll all agree
That he was right to so decree
And I am right,
And you are right,
And all is right as right can be!
Chorus. And you are right,
And we are right, etc.
Pish. This stern decree, you’ll see the case,
Caused great dismay throughout all space!
For humanoid
Insect and droid
Were equally affected.
The youth who winked a roving eye,
Or breathed a non-connubial sigh,
Was thereupon condemned to die –
He usually objected.
And you’ll allow, as I expect,
That he was right to so object,
And I am right,
And you are right,
And everything is quite correct!
Chorus. And you are right,
And we are right, etc.
Pish. And so we straight let out on bail
A convict from the lunar jail,
Whose flesh was next
On some pretext
Condemnéd to be mown off,
And made him Headsman, for we said,
“Who’s next to be disintegrated
Cannot dissolve another’s head
Until he melts his own off.”
And we are right, I think you’ll say,
To argue in this kind of way;
And I am right,
And you are right,
And all is right – too-looral-lay!
Chorus. And you are right,
And we are right, etc.
(Exeunt CHORUS. Enter Pooh-Bah.)
Nank. Ko-Ko, the cheap space tailor, Lord High Executioner of Titipu! Why, that’s the highest rank a citizen can attain!
Pooh. It is. Our logical Mikado, seeing no difference between the dignified judge who condemns a criminal to die, and the industrious mechanic who carries out the sentence, has rolled the two offices into one, and every judge is now his own executioner.
Nank. But how good of you (for I see that you are an alien lifeform of the highest class of sapience) to condescend to tell all this to me, a mere spacefaring minstrel!
Pooh. Don’t mention it. I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive being, of pre-molecular ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell you that I can trace my ancestry back to the original hydrogen atoms formed in the primordial chaos following the Big Bang. Consequently, my family pride is something inconceivable. I can’t help it. I was born sneering. But I struggle hard to overcome this defect. I mortify my pride continually. When all the great officers of State resigned in a body, because they were too proud to serve under an ex-tailor, did I not unhesitatingly accept all their posts at once?
Nank. And the salaries attached to them? You did.
Pooh. It is consequently my degrading duty to serve this upstart human as First Lord of the Treasury, Lord Chief Justice, Commander-in-Chief, Lord High Admiral, Master Mentat, Secretary of Secret Lairs, Archbishop of Titipu, and Lord Mayor, both acting and elect, all rolled into one. And at a salary! A Pooh-Bah paid for his services! I a salaried minion! But I do it! It revolts me, but I do it!
Nank. And it does you credit.
Pooh. But I don’t stop at that. I go and dine with humanoid creatures on reasonable terms. I dance at cheap suburban parties for a moderate fee. I accept refreshment at any hands, however bony. I also retail State secrets at a very low figure. For instance, any further information about Yumm-Yum would come under the head of a State secret. (Nanki-Poo takes the hint, and gives him money.) Another insult, and, I think, a light one!
SONG – POOH-BAH AND NANKI-POO AND PISH-TUSH.
Pooh. Young droid, grow spleen,
Likewise go to,
Yum-Yum the green
You must not woo.
It will not do:
I’m sorry for you,
You very imperfect ablutioner!
This very day
From school Yum-Yum
Will wend her way,
And homeward come,
With beat of drum
And a rum-tum-tum,
To wed the Lord High Executioner!
And the brass will crash,
And the trumpets bray,
And they’ll cut a dash
On their wedding day.
She’ll toddle away, as all aver,
With the Lord High Executioner!
Nank and Pish. And the brass will crash, etc.
All. She’ll toddle away, etc.
Pooh. It’s a hopeless case,
As you may see,
And in your place,
Away I’d flee;
But don’t blame me –
I’m sorry to be
Of your pleasure a diminutioner.
They’ll vow their pact
Extremely soon,
In point of fact
This afternoon.
Her honeymoon
With that buffoon
At seven commences, so you shun her!
Nank and Pish. And the brass will crash, etc.
All. She’ll toddle away, etc.
(Exit Pish-Tush.)
RECITATIVE – NANKI-POO AND POOH-BAH.
Nank. And have I journeyed for a month, in stasis,
To find that Yum-Yum, loveliest of faces,
This day to Ko-Ko is to be united!
Pooh. The fact appears to be as you’ve recited:
But here he comes, equipped as suits his station;
He’ll give you any further information.
(Exeunt Pooh-Bah and Nanki-Poo. Enter Chorus of Nobles.)
Chorus. Behold the Lord High Executioner!
A personage of noble rank and title –
A dignified and potent officer,
Whose functions are particularly vital!
Defer, defer,
To the Lord High Executioner!
(Enter Ko-Ko attended.)
SOLO – KO-KO.
Taken from the lunar jail,
By a set of curious chances;
Liberated then on bail,
On my own recognizances;
Wafted by a favoring gale
As one sometimes is in trances,
To a height that few can scale,
Save by long and weary dances;
Surely, never had a male
Under such-like circumstances
So adventurous a tale,
Which may rank with most romances.
Chorus. Taken from the lunar jail, etc.
Defer, defer,
To the Lord High Executioner, etc.
Ko. Gentlebeings, I’m much touched by this reception. I can only trust that by strict attention to duty I shall ensure a continuance of those favors which it will ever be my study to deserve. If I am ever called upon to act professionally, I am happy to think that there will be no difficulty in finding plenty of people whose loss will be a distinct gain to society at large.
SONG – KO-KO AND CHORUS OF MEN.
As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,
I’ve got a little list – I’ve got a little list
Of society offenders who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed – who never would be missed!
There’s the alien marauders who somehow can’t handle stairs,
The species who are little more than wind-up teddy bears,
The episodic planets which exist to make a point –
And are governed by straw tyrants who keep hamming up the joint –
And captains who on falling for girl aliens insist –
They’ll none of them be missed – they’d none of them be missed!
Chorus. He’s got ‘em on the list – he’s got ‘em on the list;
And they’ll none of them be missed – they’ll none of them be missed.
Ko. There’s the redshirt on th’ away team who’s immediately killed,
The ship’s geologist – I’ve got him on the list!
The undying alien dilettante who with time travel is thrilled –
He never would be missed – he never would be missed!
Then the sexist trolling gamer who preposterously claims
That all he wants is ethics in reporting about games;
And anyone who’s ventured a utopia to write,
But comes out with a world in which everybody’s white;
And the writer of high fantasy who’s an Objectivist –
I don’t think he’ll be missed – I’m sure he won’t be missed!
Chorus. He’s got him on the list – he’s got him on the list;
And I don’t think he’ll be missed – I’m sure he won’t be missed!
Ko. And, when he puts his women action heroes in high heels,
The comic cartoonist – I’ve got him on the list!
And fans who see romantic looks in every single reel –
They’d none of them be missed – they’d none of them be missed.
And author-insert Mary Sues, all one and of a kind,
Whose names are prob’ly “Raven” and whose looks are undefined;
And two of her love interests who between them have one shirt –
And dating either one of which is clearly dumb as dirt –
But it really doesn’t matter whom you put upon the list,
For they’d none of ‘em be missed – they’d none of ‘em be missed!
Chorus. You may put ‘em on the list – you may put ‘em on the list;
And they’ll none of ‘em be missed – they’ll none of ‘em be missed!
(Enter Pooh-Bah.)
Ko. Pooh-Bah, it seems that the festivities in connection with my approaching marriage must last one of our Earth weeks. I should like to do it handsomely, and I want to consult you as to the amount I should spend upon them.
Pooh. Certainly. In which of my capacities? As First Lord of the Treasury, Lord Chamberlain, Attorney-General, Chancellor of the Exchequer, Privy Purse, or Private Secretary?
Ko. Suppose we say as Private Secretary.
Pooh. Speaking as your Pivate Secretary, I should say that, as the planetary government will have to pay for it, don’t stint yourself, do it well.
Ko. Exactly – as the planetary government will have to pay for it. That is your advice.
Pooh. As Private Secretary. Of course you will understand that, as Chancellor of the Exchequer, I am bound to see that due economy is observed.
Ko. Oh! But you said just now ‘Don’t stint yourself, do it well’.
Pooh. As Private Secretary.
Ko. And now you say that due economy must be observed.
Pooh. As Chancellor of the Exchequer.
Ko. I see. Come over here, where the Chancellor can’t hear us. (They cross the stage.) Now, as my solicitor, how do you advise me to deal with this difficulty?
Pooh. Oh, as your Solicitor, I should have no hesitation is saying ‘Chance it–‘
Ko. Thank you. (Shaking his tentacle.) I will.
Pooh. If it were not that, as Lord Chief Justice, I am bound to see that the law isn’t violated.
Ko. I see. Come over here where the Chief Justice can’t hear us. (They cross the stage.) Now, then, as First Lord of the Treasury?
Pooh. Of course, as First Lord of the Treasury, I could propose a special vote that would cover all my expenses, if it were not that, as Leader of the Opposition, it would be my duty to resist it, tooth and siphon. Or, as Paymaster-General, I could so cook the accounts that, as Lord High Auditor, I should never discover the fraud. But then, as Archbishop of Titipu, it would be my duty to denounce my dishonesty and give myself into my own custody as First Commissioner of Police.
Ko. That’s extremely awkward.
Pooh. I don’t say that all these distinguished lifeforms couldn’t be squared; but it is right to tell you that they wouldn’t be sufficiently degraded in their own estimation unless they were insulted with a very considerable bribe.
Ko. The matter shall have my careful consideration. But my bride and her sisters approach, and any little compliment on your part, such as an abject grovel in an attitude characteristic of a faraway planet which is not meant to evoke any particular Earth civilization or reflect colonialist attitudes towards people of color at all, would be esteemed a favour.
Pooh. No money – no grovel!
(Exeunt together. Enter procession of Yum-Yum’s schoolfellows, heralding Yum-Yum, Peep-Bo, and Pitti-Sing.)
CHORUS OF GIRLS.
Comes a ship of little ladies
From scholastic trammels free,
Each a little bit afraid is,
Wondering what the cosmos be!
Is it but a world of trouble –
Sadness set to song?
Is its beauty but a bubble
Bound to break ere long?
Are its palaces and pleasures
Fantasies that fade?
And the glory of its treasures
Shadow of a shade?
Schoolgirls we, eighteen and under,
From scholastic trammels free,
And we wonder – how we wonder! –
What on earth the cosmos be!
SONG – YUM-YUM, PEEP-BO, AND PITTI-SING, WITH CHORUS OF GIRLS.
The three. Three little maids from space are we,
Pert as a space-girl well can be,
Filled to the brim with alien glee,
Three little maids from space!
Yum. Everything is a source of fun. (Chuckle.)
Peep. Nobody’s safe, for we care for none. (Chuckle.)
Pitti. Life is a joke that’s just begun. (Chuckle.)
The three. Three little maids from space!
All. (dancing.) Three little maids who, all unwary,
Come from a ladies’ seminary,
Far from this system planetary –
The three. (suddenly demure.) Three little maids from space!
Yum. One little maid is a bride, Yum-Yum,
Peep. Two little maids at attendance come –
Pitti. Three little maids is the total sum.
The three. Three little maids from space!
Yum. From three little maids take one away.
Peep. Two little maids remain and they –
Pitti. Won’t have to wait very long, they say –
The three. Three little maids from space!
All. (dancing.) Three little maids who, all unwary,
Come from a ladies’ seminary,
Far from this system planetary –
The three. (suddenly demure.) Three little maids from space!
(Enter Ko-Ko and Pooh-Bah.)
Ko. At last, my bride that is to be!
Yum. You’re not going to kiss me before all these beings?
Ko. Well, that was the idea.
Yum. (aside to Peep-Bo.) It seems odd, doesn’t it?
Peep. It’s rather peculiar.
Pitti. Oh, I expect it’s all right. Must have a beginning, you know.
Yum. Well, of course I know nothing about these things; but I’ve no objection if it’s usual.
Ko. Oh, it’s quite usual, I think. Eh, Lord Chamberlain? (Appealing to Pooh-Bah.)
Pooh. I have known it done. (Ko-Ko embraces her.)
Yum. Thank goodness that’s over. (Sees Nanki-Poo, and rushes to him.) Why, that’s never you? (The Three Girls rush to him and shake his hands, all speaking at once.)
Simultaneous. [Yum. Oh, I’m so glad! I haven’t seen you for ever so long, and I’m right at the top of the school, and I’ve got three prizes, and I’ve come home for good, and I’m not going back any more!
Peep. And have you got an engagement? – Yum-Yum’s got one, but she doesn’t like it, and she’d ever so much rather it was you! I’ve come home for good, and I’m not going back any more!
Pitti. Now tell us all the news, because you go about everywhere, and we’ve been at school, but, thank goodness, that’s all over now, and we’ve come home for good, and we’re not going back any more!] (These three speeches are spoken together in one breath.)
Ko. I beg your pardon. Will you present me?
Simultaneous. [Yum. Oh, this is the musician who used –
Peep. Oh, this is the android who used –
Pitti. Oh, it is only Nanki-Poo who used –]
Ko. One at a time, if you please.
Yum. Oh, if you please he’s the android who used to play so beautifully on the – on the –
Pitti. On the Star Cruiser.
Yum. Yes, I think that was the name of the instrument.
Nank. Sir, I have the misfortune to love your ward, Yum-Yum – oh, I know I deserve your anger!
Ko. Anger! not a bit, my boy. Why, I love her myself. Charming little girl, isn’t she? Pretty eyes, nice antennae. Taking little thing, altogether. Very glad to hear my opinion backed by a competent authority. Thank you very much. Good-bye. (To Pish-Tush.) Take him away. (Pish-Tush removes him.)
Pitti. (who has been examining Pooh-Bah.) I beg your pardon, but what is this? Imported Altairian tentacle tree?
Ko. That is an Areopagonian Squort.
Pitti. Oh, it’s sentient. (She starts back in alarm.)
Pooh. Go away, little humanoids. Can’t talk to little girls like you. Go away, there’s dears.
Ko. Allow me to present you, Pooh-Bah. These are my three wards. The one in the middle is my bride elect.
Pooh. What do you want me to do to them. Mind, I will not mind-meld with them.
Ko. No, no, you shan’t mind-meld with them; a little bioluminescence – a mere nothing – you needn’t mean it, you know.
Pooh. It goes against the grain. They are not young ladies, they are young humanoids.
Ko. Come, come, make an effort, there’s a good nobleman.
Pooh. (aside to Ko-Ko.) Well, I shan’t mean it. (With a great effort.) How de do, little girls, how de do? (Aside.) Oh, my protoplasmal ancestor!
Ko. That’s very good. (Girls indulge in suppressed laughter.)
Pooh. I see nothing to laugh at. It is very painful to me to have to say “How de do, little girls, how de do?” to young humanoids. I’m not in the habit of saying “How de do, little girls, how de do?” to anybody under the rank of an Elder Brain.
Ko. (aside to girls.) Don’t laugh at him, he can’t help it – he’s under treatment for it. (Aside to Pooh-Bah.) Never mind them, they don’t understand the delicacy of your position.
Pooh. We know how delicate it is, don’t we?
Ko. I should think we did! How a higher intelligence of your importance can do it is a thing I never can, never shall understand.
(Ko-Ko retires up and goes off.)
QUARTET AND CHORUS OF GIRLS.
YUM-YUM, PEEP-BO, PITTI-SING, AND POOH-BAH.
Yum, Peep, Pitti. So please you, sir, we much regret
If we have failed in etiquette
Towards a being ranked so high –
We shall know better by and by.
Yum. But youth of course must have its fling
So pardon us,
So pardon us,
Pitti. And don’t, in girlhood’s happy spring,
Be hard on us, be hard on us,
If we’re inclind to dance and sing.
Tra la la, etc. (Dancing.)
Chorus. But youth, of course, etc.
Pooh. I think you ought to recollect
You cannot show to much respect
Towards the higher-species’d few;
But nobody does; and why should you?
That youth at us should have its fling
Is hard on us,
Is hard on us;
To our prerogatives we cling –
So pardon us,
So pardon us,
If we decline to dance and sing.
Tra la la, etc. (Dancing.)
Chorus of Girls. But youth, of course, must have its fling, etc.
(Exeunt all but Yum-Yum. Enter Nanki-Poo.)
Nank. Yum-Yum, at last we are alone! I have sought you night and day for three of your Earth weeks, in the belief that your guardian was atomized, and I find that you about to be married to him this afternoon!
Yum. Alas, yes!
Nank. But you do not love him?
Yum. Alas, no!
Nank. Modified rapture! But why do you not refuse him?
Yum. What good would that do? He’s my guardian, and he wouldn’t let me marry you!
Nank. But I would wait until you were of age!
Yum. You forget that on our faraway planet which is not meant to evoke any particular Earth civilization or reflect colonialist attitudes towards people of color at all, girls do not arrive at years of discretion until they are fifty.
Nank. True; from seventeen to forty-nine are considered years of indiscretion.
Yum. Besides – a wandering minstrel, who plays an electric instrument outside wretched hives of scum and villainy, is hardly a fitting husband for the ward of a Lord High Executioner.
Nank. But – (Aside.) Shall I tell her? Yes! She will not betray me! (Aloud.) What if it should prove that, after all, I am no musician?
Yum. There! I was certain of it, as soon as I heard you play!
Nank. What if it should prove that I am no other than the clone of his Majesty the Mikado?
Yum. The clone of the Mikado? But the Mikado is an artificial intelligence! How can you be the clone of a machine? Surely you mean you are a copy of the Mikado.
Nank. The Mikado, being supreme in all things, lacks no facility that belongs to any creature within his domain, and therefore he is as surely capable of being cloned as any of the amoeba-people of Regulon V, and so I am his clone.
Yum. But never mind that! Why is your Highness disguised?
Nank. Some years ago I had the misfortune to captivate Katisha, a brood queen of the Fizzorax of Formix XI. She misconstrued my affably programmed personality as a mating dance, and claimed me in marriage, under my father’s law. My father, having calculated the ethics of the situation to eight decimal places and finding pitiless cruelty the only moral recourse, ordered me to marry her within a week, or perish ignominiously in the incinerator. That night I fled his Court, and assuming the disguise of a Second Trombone, I joined the band in which you found me when I had the happiness of seeing you! (Approaching her.)
Yum. (retreating.) If you please, I think your Highness had better not come too near. The laws against flirting are excessively severe.
Nank. But we are quite alone, and nobody can see us.
Yum. Still, that doesn’t make it right. To flirt is capital.
Nank. It is capital!
Yum. And we must obey the law.
Nank. Deuce take the law!
Yum. I wish it would, but it won’t!
Nank. If it were not for that, how happy we might be!
Yum. Happy indeed!
Nank. If it were not for the law, we should now be sitting side by side, like that. (Sits by her.)
Yum. Instead of being obliged to sit half a mile off, like that. (Crosses and sits at other side of stage.)
Nank. We should be gazing into each other’s eyes, like that. (Gazing at her sentimentally.)
Yum. Breathing out spore-clouds of unutterable love – like that. (Sighing and gazing longingly at him.)
Nank. With our arms round each other’s waists, like that. (Embracing her.)
Yum. Yes, if it wasn’t for the law.
Nank. If it wasn’t for the law.
Yum. As it is, of course, we couldn’t do anything of the kind.
Nank. Not for any power in the ‘verse!
Yum. Being engaged to Ko-Ko, you know!
Nank. Being engaged to Ko-Ko!
DUET – YUM-YUM AND NANKI-POO.
Nank. Were you not to Ko-Ko plighted,
I would say in tender tone,
‘Loved one, let us be united –
Let us be each other’s own!’
I would merge all rank and species,
Worldly sneers are nought to us,
And, to answer your entreaties,
I would kiss you fondly thus – (Kisses her)
Both. I/He would kiss you/me fondly thus.
Yum. But as I’m engaged to Ko-Ko,
To embrace you thus, con fuoco,
Would distinctly be non giuoco,
And for spice I should get toko –
Both. Toko, toko, toko, toko!
Nank. So, in spite of all temptation,
Such a theme I’ll not discuss,
And on no consideration
Will I kiss you fondly thus – (Kisses her)
Let me make it clear to do,
This is what I’ll never do!
This, oh, this, oh, this, oh, this – (Kissing her).
Both. This, oh, this, etc.
(Exeunt in opposite directions. Enter Ko-Ko.)
Ko. (looking after Yum-Yum.) There she goes! To think how entirely my future happiness is wrapped up in that green and sporiferous parcel! Really, it hardly seems worth while! Oh, matrimony! (Enter Pooh-Bah and Pish-Tush.) Now, then, what is it? Can’t you see I’m soliloquizing? You have interrupted an apostrophe, sir!
Pish. I am the bearer of a message from his Majesty the Mikado.
Ko. (taking it from him reverentially.) A message from the Mikado! What in the galaxy can he have to say to me? (Reads letter.) Ah, here it is at last! I thought it would come sooner or later! The Mikado is struck by the fact that no executions have taken place in Titipu for over a year, and decrees that unless somebody is atomized within one of your Earth months the post of Lord High Executioner will be abolished and the planet reclassified as a dwarf planet!
Pish. But that will involve us all in irretrievable ruin! The planet shall be opened up for unobtainium mining!
Ko. Yes. There is no help for it, I shall have to execute somebody at once. The only question is, who shall it be?
Pooh. Well, it seems unkind to say so, but as you’re already under sentence of death for flirting, everything seems to point to you.
Ko. To me? What are you talking about? I can’t execute myself.
Pooh. Why not?
Ko. Why not? Because, in the first place, self-atomization is an extremely difficult, not to say dangerous, thing to attempt; and, in the second it’s suicide, and suicide is a capital offence.
Pooh. That is so, no doubt.
Pish. We might reserve that point.
Pooh. True, it could be argued six of your Earth months hence, before the full Court.
Ko. Besides, I don’t see how a man can dissolve himself into atoms.
Pooh. A man might try.
Pish. Even if you only succeeded in dissolving yourself into molecules, that would be something.
Ko. No. Pardon me, but there I am adamant. As official Atomizing Booth Operator, my reputation is at stake, and I can’t consent to embark upon a professional operation unless I see my way to a successful result.
Pooh. This professional conscientiousness is highly creditable to you, but it places us in a very awkward position.
Ko. My good sir, the awkwardness of your position is grace itself compared with that of a man engaged in the act of searing off his own flesh.
Pish. I am afraid that, unless you can obtain a substitute –
Ko. A substitute? Oh, certainly – nothing easier. (To Pooh-Bah.) Pooh-Bah, I appoint you Lord High Substitute.
Pooh. I should be delighted. Such an appointment would realize my fondest dreams. But no, at any sacrifice, I must set bounds to my insatiable ambition!
TRIO.
Pooh. I am so proud,
If I allowed
My family pride
To be my guide,
I’d volunteer
To quit this sphere
Instead of you
In a minute or two.
But family pride
Must be denied,
And set aside,
And mortified.
And so,
Although
I wish to go,
And greatly pine
To brightly shine
And take the line
Of a hero fine
With grief condign
I must decline –
I must decline –
I must decline –
Ko. My brain it teems
With endless schemes
Both good and new
For Titipu;
But if I flit,
The benefit
That I diffuse
The world would lose!
Now every man
To aid his clan
Should plot and plan
As best he can,
And so,
Although
I’m ready to go,
Yet recollect
‘Twere disrespect
Did I neglect
To thus effect
This aim direct,
So I object –
So I object –
So I object –
Pish. I heard one day
A gentleman say
That criminals who
Are turned to goo
Can hardly feel
The flesh unpeel,
And so are slain
Without much pain.
if this is true,
It’s jolly for you;
Your courage screw
To bid us adieu,
And go
And show
Both friend and foe
How much you dare.
I’m quite aware
It’s your affair,
Yet I declare
I’d take your share
But I don’t much care –
I don’t much care –
I don’t much care –]
All. To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp, shock,
From a churning, chumming chamber in a small, smart smock!
(Exeunt Pooh-Bah and Pish-Tush).
Ko. This is simply appalling! I, who allows myself to be respited at the last moment, simply in order to benefit my native planet, am now required to die within one of your Earth months, and that by an extraterrestrial bioluminescent squid whom I have loaded with honors! Is this – (Enter Nanki-Poo.) Go away, sir! How dare you? Am I never to be permitted to soliloquize?
Nank. Oh, go on – don’t mind me.
Ko. What mean you to do here, sir?
Nank. I am about to terminate an unendurable existence.
Ko. Terminate your existence? Oh, nonsense! What for?
Nank. Because you are going to marry the girl I adore.
Ko. Nonsense, sir. I won’t permit it. I am a humane man, and if you attempt anything of the kind I shall order your instant arrest. Come, sir, desist at once, or I summon my guard.
Nank. Illogical! If you attempt to raise an alarm, I instantly perform the Happy Despatch by listing paradoxes, causing my logical robotic brain to overload and blow up. Error! Error! Illogical! Illogical!
Ko. No, no, don’t do that. This is horrible. (Suddenly.) Why, you cold, heartless, wind-up scoundrel, are you aware that, in taking your life, you are committing a crime which – which is – Oh! (Struck by an idea.) Substitute!
Nank. What’s the matter?
Ko. Is it absolutely certain that you are resolved to die?
Nank. Absolutely!
Ko. Will nothing shake your resolution?
Nank. Nothing.
Ko. Threats, entreaties, prayers – all useless?
Nank. All! My mind is really made up.
Ko. Then, if you really mean what you say, and if you are absolutely resolved to die, and if nothing whatever will shake your determination – don’t spoil yourself by committing suicide, but be atomized handsomely at the hands of the Public Executioner!
Nank. I don’t see how that would benefit me.
Ko. You don’t? Observe: you’ll have one of your Earth months to live, and you’ll live like one of the cave-parakeets of Luxurion VII, at my expense. When the day comes there’ll be a grand public ceremonial – you’ll be the central figure – no one will attempt to deprive you of that distinction. There’ll be a procession – bands – dead march – the peal of synth bells – all the girls in tears – Yum-Yum weeping pollen – then,when it’s all over, general rejoicings, and a display of lunar fireworks in the evening. You won’t see them, but they’ll be there all the same.
Nank. Do you think Yum-Yum would really weep at my death?
Ko. I am convinced of it. Bless you, she’s the most tender-hearted little creature alive. In fact, she has two hearts.
Nank. I should be sorry to cause her pain. Perhaps, after all, if I were to withdraw from this faraway planet which is not meant to evoke any particular Earth civilization or reflect colonialist attitudes towards people of color at all, and travel in Sector Zero for a couple of years, I might contrive to forget her.
Ko. Oh, I don’t think you could forget Yum-Yum so easily; and, after all, what is more miserable than a love-blighted life?
Nank. True.
Ko. Life without Yum-Yum – why, it seems absurd!
Nank. And yet therw are a good many people in the ‘verse who have to endure it.
Ko. Poor devils, yes! You are quite right not to be of their number.
Nank. (suddenly.) I won’t be of their number!
Ko. Noble robot!
Nank. Let me tell you how we’ll manage it. Let me marry Yum-Yum tomorrow, and in one of your Earth months you may atomize me.
Ko. No, no. I draw the line at Yum-Yum.
Nank. Very good. if you can draw the line, so can I. “In a village, the barber shaves everyone who does not shave themselves, but no one else. Who shaves the barber?” Illogical! Illogical! Error! Error!
Ko. Stop! stop! Listen one moment – be reasonable. How can I consent to your marrying Yum-Yum if I’m going to marry her myself?
Nank. My good friend, she’ll be a widow in one of your Earth months, and you can marry her then.
Ko. That’s true, of course. I quite see that. But, dear me! my position during the next month will be most unpleasant – most unpleasant.
Nank. Not half so unpleasant as my position at the end of it.
Ko. But – dear me! – well – I agree – after all, it’s only putting off my wedding for a month. But you won’t prejudice her against me, will you? You see, I’ve educated her to be my wife; she’s been taught to regard me as a wise and good man. Now, I shouldn’t like her views on that point disturbed.
Nank. Trust me, she shall never learn the truth from me.
FINALE.
(Enter Chorus, Pooh-Bah, Pish-Tush.)
Chorus. With aspect stern
And gloomy stride,
We come to learn
How you decide.
Don’t hesitate
Your choice to name.
A dreadful fate
You’ll suffer all the same.
Pooh. To ask you what you mean to do we punctually appear.
Ko. Congratulate me, citizens, I’ve found a volunteer!
All. The outer space equivalent for ‘Hear, hear, hear’!
Ko. ‘Tis Nanki-Poo!
All. Hail, Nanki-Poo!
Ko. I think he’ll do?
All. Yes, yes, he’ll do!
Ko. He yields his life if I’ll Yum-Yum surrender.
Now I adore that girl with passion tender,
And could not yield her with a ready will,
Or her allot,
If I did not
Adore myself with passion tenderer still!
(Enter Yum-Yum, Peep-Bo and Pitti-Sing.)
All. Ah, yes! He loves himself with passion tenderer still!
Ko. Take her – she’s yours!
(Exit Ko-Ko.)
Nank. The solar flare has passed away,
Yum. And brightly shines the dawning day;
Nank. What though the night may come too soon,
Yum. There’s one Earth month of afternoon!
Nank, Pooh, Pish, Yum, Pitti, Peep. Then let the throng
Our joy advance,
With laughing song,
And merry dance,
Chorus. With joyous shout and ringing cheer,
Inaugurate their/our brief career!
Pitti. A day, a week, a month, a year –
Yum. Or far or near, or far or near,
Pooh. Life’s eventime comes much too soon
Pitti. You’ll live at least a honeymoon.
All. Then let the throng, etc.
Chorus. With joyous shout, etc.
SOLO – POOH-BAH.
In one Earth month you’ve got to die,
If Ko-Ko tells us true.
‘Twere emty compliment to cry
‘Long life to Nanki-Poo!’
But as one month you have to live
As fellow citizen,
This toast with three times three we’ll give –
‘Long life to you – ‘til then!’
(Exit Pooh-Bah.)
Chorus. May all good fortune prosper you,
May you have health and riches too,
May you succeed in all you do!
Long life to you – ‘til then!
(Dance.)
(Enter Katisha melodramatically.)
Kat. Your revels cease! Assist me, all of you!
Chorus. Why, who is this whose compound eyes
Rain blight on our festivities!
Kat. I claim my robot lover, Nanki-Poo!
Oh fool! to shun delights that never cloy!
Chorus. Go, leave thy deadly work undone!
Kat. Come back, mechanic fool! come back to joy!
Chorus. Away, away! insectoid one!
Nank (aside to Yum.) Ah!
‘Tis Katisha!
The bug of whom I told you. (About to go.)
Kat. No!
You shall not go,
Four arms shall thus enfold you!
SONG – KATISHA.
(Addressing Nank.) Oh fool, that fleest
My formic joys!
Oh blind, that seest
No equipoise!
Oh rash, that judgest
From thorax, the whole!
Oh base, that grudgest
Love’s lightest dole!
Thy heart unbind,
Oh fool, oh blind!
Come back to space,
Oh rash, oh base!
Chorus. If she’s thy bride, go back to space,
Oh fool, oh blind, oh rash, oh base.
Kat. (addressing Yum.) Green cheek, that rulest
Where wisdom serves!
Bright eye, that foolest
Heroic nerves!
Jade lip, that scornest
Lore-laden years!
Forked tongue, that warnest
Who rightly hears!
Thy doom is nigh,
Green cheek, bright eye!
Thy knell is rung,
Jade lip, forked tongue!
Chorus. If true her tale, thy knell is rung,
Green cheek, bright eye, jade lip, forked tongue!
Pitti. Away, nor prosecute your quest –
From out intention, well expressed,
You cannot turn us!
The state of your connubial views
Towards the robot you accuse
Does not concern us!
For he’s going to marry Yum-Yum –
All. Yum-Yum!
Pitti. Your anger pray bury,
For all will be merry,
I think you had better succumb –
All. Cumb – cumb!
Pitti. And join our expressions of glee.
On this subject I pray you be dumb –
All. Dumb – dumb.
Pitti. You’ll find there are many
Who’ll wed for a penny –
The word for your guidance is ‘Mum’ –
All. Mum – mum!
Pitti. There’s lots of good bugs in the sea.
All. On this subject we pray you be dumb, etc.
SOLO – KATISHA.
The hour of gladness
Is dead and gone.
In silent sadness
I live alone!
The hope I cherished
All lifeless lies,
And all has perished
Save love, which never dies!
Oh, faithless droid, this insult you shall rue!
In vain for mercy on your knees you’ll sue.
I’ll tear the mask from your disguising!
Nank. (aside.) Now comes the blow!
Kat. Prepare yourselves for news surprising!
Nank. (aside.) How foil my foe?
Kat. No minstrel he, despite bravado!
Yum. (aside, struck by an idea.) Ha! ha! I know!
Kat. He is the clone of your –
(Nank, Yum, and Chorus, interrupting, sing words in a language from a faraway planet which is not meant to evoke any particular Earth civilization or reflect colonialist attitudes towards people of color at all, to drown her voice.)
OH! ONE OH OH OH ONE ONE ONE OH!
Kat. In vain you interrupt with this tornado!
He is the only clone of your –
All. OH! ONE OH OH OH ONE ONE ONE OH!
Kat. I’ll spoil –
All. OH! ONE OH OH OH ONE ONE ONE OH!
Kat. – your gay gambado!
He is the clone –
All. OH! ONE OH OH OH ONE ONE ONE OH!
Kat. – of your –
All. OH! ONE OH OH OH ONE ONE ONE OH!
Kat. The clone of your –
All. OH! ONE OH OH OH ONE ONE ONE OH! OH ONE! OH ONE!
Kat. Ye torrents roar!
Ye tempests howl!
Your wrath outpour
With angry growl!
Do ye your worst, my vengeance call
Shall rise triumphant over all!
The others. We’ll hear no more,
Ill-omened fowl,
To joy we soar,
Despite your scowl!
The echoes of our festival
Shall rise triumphant over all!
Kat. Prepare for woe,
Ye haughty lords,
At once I go,
Mikado-wards.
Others. Away you go,
Collect your hordes;
Proclaim your woe
In dismal chords.
We do not heed their dismal sound,
For joy reigns everywhere around.
Kat. My wrongs with vengeance shall be crowned!
Others. We do not heed their dismal sound, etc.
(Katisha rushes furiously upstage, clearing the crowd away right and left, finishing on steps at the back of stage.)
END OF ACT I.
Notes From Punderground 